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Boobs of Wisdom: Staying Peaceful

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I feel peaceful today. It is odd that I feel peaceful today of all days. I am moments away from getting some results to find out if I could have cancer. Yet, I am at peace.

Age 23: Cancer strikes my family 4 times and puts nails in 3 coffins.  In total I lose 9 relatives that year. I am devastated. It is a rough year.

Age 36: I watch 3 of my good friends die way too young of cancer. I can’t bear to think about why these young lives were taken away from this world and their families. I learn to expect the worst.

Age 42: My mother succumbs to cancer after a courageous 5-year battle. I am in shock. I never admitted that we were in the end game with her disease. She always just seemed so strong, too strong to die. The worst outcome occurred regardless of my expectations.

Age 44: I see Joan Lunden, former co-host of ABC’s Good Morning America, speak at a Breast Cancer Fundraiser. She urges me, and hundreds of other women, that if we have dense breasts to demand a breast ultrasound to go along with our mammogram. 

Now: I have a mammogram and a breast ultrasound thanks to Joan. I was called back in to the mammogram room to receive more intrusive scans. Instead of minimum compression, we are at maximum compression. The technician says “you will cry.” No tears shed. I am more focused on why I am being rescanned.  She tells me they see something of concern on my original scan. She still sees it. The doctor will call me by the end of the day if the results are of concern.

The reality is that this is completely out of my control. I can do nothing to stop it from happening, if it is going to happen. I cannot argue with my reality whatever it is. So, what can I do? Exactly what I have been doing. I go to a place of gratitude. I am thankful that I have had my daughter to love. I am grateful for my wonderful partner that I have been blessed with for the past 5 years. These thoughts keep my brain out of a place of fear and in a place of appreciation. My brain cannot be in both places. Until I have tangible results to deal with there is no reason to go to a place of fear. I can take this moment, these minutes, these hours and love and appreciate my beautiful family.

There are only two options once I get the results. I am either going to take brave action to ensure my survival is graceful or I will be REALLY DAMN APPRECIATIVE of every moment I get with my family that is cancer free. Either way there is a lesson here. I am perfect the way I am, but there is always room for more love and more joy. There is no story in my head to cause me suffering. I will wait for results and respond accordingly.

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